


Your love is my drug

by the_rainbow_ship



Category: The Goldfinch (2019), The Goldfinch - Donna Tartt
Genre: Angst, Boris has abandonment issues because I wrote this and I have abandonment issues lol, Boris’ POV, Fluff, Getting Together, M/M, Mentions of Recreational Drugs, Mentions of Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-22
Updated: 2020-07-22
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:13:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,774
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25353805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_rainbow_ship/pseuds/the_rainbow_ship
Summary: Boris comes to visit Theo in New York a few months after Amsterdam and gets more than he bargained for.
Relationships: Theodore Decker/Boris Pavlikovsky
Comments: 4
Kudos: 92





	Your love is my drug

“Potter, come lay with me” 

Boris was currently making himself at home on the messily unmade bed within Theo’s New York apartment. His pumps still on his feet screaming ‘fuck me’ the entire time as he stretched his arms above his head. 

Theo looked at him for a second with wild eyes before moving a single step closer, before thinking better of it and stopping once again. His fingers twitched anxiously at his side as Boris looked up at him, his own eyes searching for something before the slight pout of his lips stretched into a smirk.   
“Or shall we stand here and tenderly gaze”.

Of course, that made Theo chuckle, breaking down the barrier he’d tried his upmost to keep as he continued to walk the path to his favourite person.   
Boris lifted his arms up and outward this time making little grabby hands for Theo like an impatient child reaching for a new toy. 

Laying wrapped up in Theo’s arms was Boris’ favourite past time and he hated how he had to think back to being fifteen years old if he wanted to remember it. That’s why he decided they were going to cuddle during his visit to New York. His soul craved Theo the way his body craved recreational medications. He wanted to be with Theo, he wanted to be there to help him through his dark times. 

The idea that Theo wanted him there despite everything they’d been through felt like oxygen to his smoke damaged lungs. They always had a special bond that didn’t really have a name, no label sat right over their relationship, always seeming false or not expressing who they were quite enough.

Theo curled around Boris, wrapping his longer limbs around him as though he was a comforting teddybear. Theo was holding him as though he was something he never wanted to part with. 

“Potter, you good?” 

A small contented sigh blew one of Boris’ curls a little against his forehead, making him smile. Theo rested his cheek against those messy curls, he also slid one of his hands just beneath the hem of Boris’ crumbled shirt. He didn’t move it, just laying it there delicately. 

“I’m good” Theo mumbled, “I just can’t believe you came back”. 

Laying in Theo’s forest green bedroom, wrapped up within crumbled white and green bedsheets that smelled like the same washing powder that Xandra and Theo’s dad had used back in Vegas. There was nowhere else that Boris wanted to be. 

“Couldn’t bear to be apart from you, you’re like..” he paused, “you’re like home to me, and i wanted to come home”. Boris had made sure to say it quietly, but he needed to say it. The silence in the room carried for a moment too long, which is why Boris found himself speaking yet again.  
“All we need is our little gay dog and we have family” he chuckled, hoping that mentioning Popchyk would lighten Theo’s spirits. 

Theo simply held Boris tighter, before placing a single, delicate kiss on the top of his head like it belonged there.  
“Thank you for coming home” 

Turning in the crinkled sheets, Boris looked up at the face of the very man who saw him in a way no one else ever could. They’d been through so much together yet here they were, declaring each other as home and sharing an intimate space for how ever long before the inevitable crash of Theo deciding that it all meant nothing. 

Theo’s mouth opened and closed a few times, words caught in his throat like they were chained there; forbidden to leave their prison. Instead, he spoke with actions. He leaned forward yet again, a featherlight kiss to Boris’ lips like that was the secret to freeing the words he so desperately wanted to speak. 

“I like to think i’ve changed” he started, wriggling a little to get comfortable again now that he’d moved in the bed. His fingers found home in matted curls and gave them a soft tug, trying to remind himself that Boris was tangible and present with him.  
“I thought a lot when I got back from Amsterdam, who I am, who I want to be” he paused, tilting Boris’ head up a little so they were face to face.  
“Who I want to be with” he continued, face looking calm despite the storm of fear in his eyes. 

“I don’t think my mom would like who I am right now, she’d have sent me to therapy and probably rehab a long time ago” he chuckled. Boris couldn’t help but feel like this was the most honest Theo had ever been whilst sober, and hope fluttered in his chest. Maybe they could finally break the unhealthy cycle. 

“Mom would probably tell me that I should try and be with the person I love, even if its scary and new. She’d have sent you to rehab too” 

The air around them was calm and felt fuzzy, like it was vibrating with something unspoken. Boris sat up, moving to kick off his shoes and reposition himself on the bed, this time laying on his stomach between Theo’s legs. He needed to be as close as possible right now. Something big was shifting and they were both sober enough to notice. They were talking about serious feelings and were likely to remember the next morning. Boris had hoped for this since he was fifteen years old. 

“Do you think you can be strong enough to face fears? Going to be very painful in therapy talking about parents and bombing” Boris nearly whispered, hoping not to flip a switch and Theo decide that _no, actually he wasn’t_. 

Theo chuckled, a sad shell of a sound that speared right through Boris’ chest. Breaking his heart just a crack. 

“I think it’s something I need to do. For Myself you know? I want to learn to enjoy life and be the person that my family need” 

The room was growing dark now, the sun having started to set though neither of them moved to turn a light on or leave the safety of the bed. Boris felt like this was finality, the conversation would come to an end just like the night and that would be it. Theo would work on himself and realise that Boris was toxic to be around during such a difficult time in his life. Boris was always around when Theo tried to take his own life, maybe if Boris wasn’t here Theo would be safe. 

That thought caused the dam to break. 

Boris’ eyes were sore, tears the size of raindrops falling heavily down his cheeks. He rarely ever cried, feelings too detached from his reality. He desperately wanted to be who Theo needed. He himself hadn’t touched a drug at all since Amsterdam, but he also knew that he held too many memories of who Theo didn’t want to be. This had to be goodbye for Theo’s sake. 

“I wish you very best, Theo” Boris whispered, getting up from his stomach onto his knees on the soft mattress. His heart was breaking and he needed to distance himself ready for the shards of it to not hit the love of his life when it inevitably smashed into tiny little pieces. His stomach lurched, he needed to say goodbye to the one person who he cared about more than life itself.  
How was he supposed to do that? 

He went to stand up when a gentle hand caught his arm, pulling him back to the safety of Theo’s arms. Boris let himself cry, holding onto Theo like it was the last time he’d ever see him. It most likely was the last time he’d ever see him. 

“Boris, shhhhh, I’ve got you” Theo’s voice was soft and quiet, as though he was worried a loud noise would startle him like a frightened deer. A warm hand stroked down his back reassuringly as he cried. Rejection hurt twice as hard when they were nice about it. 

“I don’t think I can say it” Boris wept, “I can’t say goodbye to you for a second time. Broke me first time.” 

“Wait, what?” 

Time stopped for a second, Theo’s brain whirring almost loud enough for Boris to hear before he seemed to reach a conclusion, a worried frown turned into a small smirk. 

“I think you missed the point” he chuckled softly.  
Delicately using his thumb to wipe away the tears beneath Boris’ heavy eyes.  
“I’m never saying goodbye to you. I’m going to work on myself so I can be _with you_ in anyway that you want me”.

Boris’ eyebrows knitted together in confusion. Theo wanted to be _with_ him? That didn’t make any sense. They surely couldn’t be together, could they? 

“Boris, you’re the person i’m in love with. You’re family. I want to do better for _you_. I need to learn to be with you properly, and it might take me some time, and it might not be easy but I want to have a normal life with you and our little gay dog”.

Looking over at Theo, Boris could see his inner fight. His cheeks were red, hair a mess and glasses off. His sweat shirt was the very same shade of green as the wall behind him. His eyes showing the affection that he’d been so often scared of. 

“I’ve never heard yourself say ‘gay’ positively whilst sober so many times”. Theo came to lay on top of Boris, trying not to squish him under his weight. Theo looked directly into his eyes, shifting left to right in an effort to show he was looking at both eyes. Truly taking him in. 

“I prefer to speak with body language” Theo whispered, closing the space between the two of them as their lips met. Theo’s lips were dry and a little chapped, but that made Boris feel even happier. It didn’t feel fake or forced, it felt like taking the first deep breath after a panic attack. It wasn’t a quick peck to the lips of unlabelled affection. It was showcasing exactly how much Theo wanted to be with him. 

It was slow, they were both safe and sound after all. They weren’t fifteen, drunkenly fumbling their way around the room in the dark with nervous and shy hands. They were grown men now, being together because of the love they shared.

“I don’t want any of the drugs or the alcohol if it means I can’t have you” Boris whispered against Theo’s lips. “Potter is my drug of choice” he chuckled. 

He’d waited so long to say that.


End file.
